Right from my heart,

So its a brand new year and we are over. It isnt nice not to spend the last day of the year with the person you thought you would. I thought it was easy, but I was wrong. This afternoon, i lay on my bed and I just cried. I dont know why I actually cried. Was is because I was lonely or was it because I was missing you so badly? I reckon its the second one.

I have so much to say to you but I don't think I am able to say everything out when I see you. Im sure I will just break down and cry the next time I see you. Yeah, I am that fragile. So this is the only way I think I can free my mind and to let you know of how I've been feeling.

I really think that you are a nice person. Its really amazing how you can make me feel all secure and how you can actually opened my heart. Like you said, being loved and appreciated is just one of the best feelings anyone could have. But when your temper takes over your emotion, you become a different person. I am really scared of you when you are that person. And I didn't said that you didn't try, maybe you did. But maybe too, you didn't try hard enough. If you have tried, you wouldn't have left the person you claim to love in town just like that. Instead you would have manage and control yourself and not vent your anger to the people around you. That was plain selfish, you only care about your feelings & ego. You were ignorant of my feelings.

In a relationship, I think it takes two hands to clap. I'm not blaming you, because I think I am partly to blame too. Maybe for once, I should have try to be in your shoes. But Sehaimi, I've tried. Its just that you didn't allowed me to. Every single day when I was with you, I was waiting patiently for you to tell me of your past. I didn't want to hear it from anybody else but you. At the same time, I know it was hard when people around you kept reminding you of your past, but havent you heard, what never breaks you only makes you stronger? I wanted you to trust me. I wanted to try to be in your position. All I wanted was to be the person who would still be there for you despite knowing your dark side. I was prepared for doing so, if you thought I wasn't then I wouldn't have got involved with you in the first place. But you didn't let me in.

And I know we've been fighting alot. I don't know why but I'm not gonna use the 'I think we are not meant to be together' theory as an excuse. Simply because I don't believe in such thing. I believe in a thing called effort. Maybe we didn't try enough. You think so? Or maybe, I was always trying to convince you that we'll do okay that I tend to forget what the real problem was.
Its really hard when I have to be one always trying to convince you that we'll pull this through.

Do you think it doesn't hurt when you told me that you felt that this wasn't going to work out? Do you think I don't feel shitty when people around me talk about you, in my face? Do you know how much effort I've put just to make sure that these people start to see the good side of you that I've seen right from the first day I've met you? And do you know how it feels like when I get remarks like "See, i told you so" or "Ah kan, padan muke kau" when all these people know that we are over. It hurts really bad to have this kind of remarks being point straight to your face. All of them thought that this was a mistake, that I've made a huge mistake. But I guess these people, they just don't understand how I felt. It was never a mistake.

Right from the start, I NEVER took Farhan's advise because I wanted you to prove yourself. And also because I thought you could give me that sense of happiness. Which of course you did.
I didn't regret for giving the both of us the chance to make this work, I think being with you was the best time of my 2009.

I am not lying but if I could have given a chance to be with you again, I would. I suppose in a way, relationship tend to be overstated or understated even. When we thought we get the gist of it, it sorts of run here and there. We cannot stop it but I guess we could prevent it.

I swear its hard to let you go, to be apart of you. I think I've grown attached to you. I miss you really bad and its hard to shake off this feelings. But I guess there's nothing that I can do. Maybe, I just have to pretend. Pretend that I am strong enough to go through this on my own. Its gonna take some time, but I'll do my best.

For now, I hope you will fix yourself. Fix the mess that is in your emotions. The confusions that is leading you on, fix that too. You will do alright, just trust yourself more. I know you can do it :) You should know where to find me if ever you need a listening ear or maybe at least a friend to hear you rant about your bad day at work. I'll be here.

Don't be a stranger okay Sehaimi?